3 Things that Baffled Me (5/4)

3 Things that blew my mind from the past week:

Red Sox– Pitching and defense. These were supposed to be the keys to the Red Sox season. Well, one month into the season, the Sox are ranked 12th (of 14) in the American League in pitching, and 13th in defense. So much for that plan. Not to mention two-thirds of the starting outfield is hurt, and David Ortiz is hitting .159 with a strike out every 2.7 at-bats. Oh yea, the starting catcher Victor Martinez is hitting .233 with 1 HR and 7 RBI, while his back up (Jason Varitek) is hitting .324 with 5 HR and 9 RBI in half as many games. To top it all off, the Sox just got swept by the worst team in the league (Baltimore), and are now already 7 games out of first place. Time to shake things up. I’m not sure what, but something’s gotta change. Hopefully the Bruins and Celtics keep winning, because if the only thing I have to watch are these pitiful Red Sox, I’m gonna lose it.

Boston Water Crisis – "Now if a Muslim woman strapped with a bomb on a bus with the seconds running give you the jitters, Just imagine an American-based Christian organization planning to poison water supplies to bring the second-coming quicker. "
- Lupe

Naaaaah. Not this time. Just a water main break. I’ll tell you what gives me the jitters though: a car bomb in Times Square. Yikes.

This KFC commercial –

Breast cancer is a very serious disease, and I applaud KFC for doing its part in raising money for a cure. But 50 cents for every huge ass bucket of that greasy chicken? Sure they might raise enough to make a significant contribution to breast cancer research, but at what cost? They’ll be contributing to the increasing obesity of America, not to mention more than a few heart attacks and clogged arteries. Seems kinda like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. KFC’s message: Fuck cancer, have a heart attack instead.

Punks Steal Colonel Sanders Head

"$500 KFC Chicken Reward for Colonel's Head"

(CBS/AP)  KFC is hoping the folks who ran off with a bronze bust of Colonel Harland Sanders have big appetites.

The chicken giant is offering $500 worth of grilled chicken as a reward for information leading to the return of the bust that was taken from a Berea KFC last month.

KFC spokesman Rick Maynard says the chain considered offering cash, "but we think KFC's world-famous chicken is a better motivator than money."

Rhonda Hall, assistant manager at the Berea location, told  CBS Affiliate WKYT that while staff were cleaning the dining room the bust, resting beneath a painting of the company's founder, disappeared.

The bust is valued at $1,200.

"I thought it was pretty neat they had the statue of his head," one young customer, Dayna Miller, told  WKYT correspondent Cheryl Glassford.

The Lexington Herald-Leader reports four young men who left in a silver passenger car were the only customers during the time frame that the bust disappeared. 

Best line of the article..."KFC spokesman Rick Maynard says the chain considered offering cash, "but we think KFC's world-famous chicken is a better motivator than money." How fat is America?  I mean the lone fact that Colonel Sanders is a celebrity proves why we are fat and recognize fast food founders as our country's father figures.  Don't get me wrong, the Colonel is my dude, but let's think about reading this as an outsider.  Chicken vs. Cash...hmmmm, ya you're right Rick I'd definitely eat my face off for a few weeks then have a heart attack and croak like the Colonel himself.  


That being said, since he was such a celebrity, shouldn't this bronze bust have been locked up in the fast food hall of fame?  I deem the establishment the douche bag here.  Show the man some respect and put some infrared lasers around his statue so if someone really wants to cop it they have to some entrapment-esque heist.  I know KFC employees aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but how do you let someone walk out with a bronze head of your God?  Now if they had installed some lasers and shit, no chicken fiend off the streets could pull such a maneuver.  Prop's to the kids who got the head, I just hope you aren't dumb enough to post it on ebay.